Extreme Vetting Manual [Satire]

Step 1: Review Application Form, especially Country of Origin and Religious Affiliation.

Step 2: Look at Applicant and notice if they appear to be a Muslim.

Step 3: Have Applicant view the Great Spiritual Leaders in History poster and select just one.
            (See Figure 1.)

Step 4: If they select 1 – ‘Jesus Christ, the One True God’, stamp Application APPROVED,
                                         congratulate and welcome Applicant to America, and call the next
                                         Applicant

            If they select 2 – ‘Muhammad, founder of Islam, The "Holy Prophet"’, stamp
                                        Application DENIED, tell Applicant they will receive a
                                        determination within 90 to 180 days and direct Applicant to the room
                                        in which a Suspected Terrorist Determination interrogation will
                                        immediately be conducted, and call the next Applicant

            If they select 3 – ‘Siddhartha, founder of Hinduism, The Buddha “the awakened one”’,
                                        and do not appear to be Muslim, proceed to Step 5. Otherwise ask
                                        Applicant it they are sure. If they are, use your own judgement and
                                        discretion to proceed

           If they select 4 – ‘Buddha, founder of Buddhism, formerly Siddhartha)’, and do not
                                       appear to be Muslim, proceed to Step 5. Otherwise ask Applicant it they
                                       are sure. If they are, use your own judgement and discretion to proceed

           If they select 5 – ‘Moses, founder of Judaism’, and do not appear to be Muslim, proceed
                                       to Step 5. Otherwise ask Applicant it they are sure. If they are, use your
                                       own judgement and discretion to proceed

           If they select 6 – ‘Adolf Hitler, leader of Nazi Germany, the Führer ("Leader"),
                                       proceed to step 5

           If they select 7 – ‘None of these’, ask Applicant if they agree or disagree with the
                                       following statement:

                                       Donald Trump is the most intelligent, amazing, and competent
                                       President in American History, he is Making America Great Again

                                       If they immediately agree without much thought, proceed to Step 5

                                       If they disagree or hesitate, stamp Application Form DENIED and tell
                                       Applicant they will receive a determination within 90 to 180 days. If
                                       they appear to be Muslim, direct Applicant to the room in which a
                                       Suspected Terrorist Determination interrogation will be conducted and
                                       call the next Applicant, otherwise, call the next Applicant

Step 5: Ask Applicant if they agree or disagree with the following statement:

             I love America and most Americans, especially White Christian Americans and/or very
             wealthy Americans

             If they immediately agree without much thought, stamp Application Form APPROVED,
             congratulate and welcome Applicant to America, and call the next Applicant

             If they disagree, hesitate, or appear to be Muslim, stamp Application Form DENIED, tell
             Applicant they will receive a determination within 90 to 180 days, direct Applicant to the
             room in which a Suspected Terrorist Determination interrogation will be conducted and
             call the next Applicant, otherwise, call the next Applicant  

Figure 1. Great Spiritual Leaders in History.